Being A Vala Is Overrated
by Galad Estel
Summary: Aule is frustrated, Tulkas is bored, Yavanna is possessive, and Namo is death itself. A ridiculous tale starring all 14 Valar Melkor not included Happy Birthday, Duilin!


**_To Duilin: I really wanted to write you some beautiful and tragic story about Maedhros and Maglor, but something must have gone wrong because this is what spilled out, anyway I hope it will at least cheer you up a bit. I wish you a wonderful birthday-Galad Estel_**

"Being a Valar is so overrated," Aulë groaned, "I mean we have all this responsibility, and we didn't even get teachers, like the elves did. Eru just said "Okay, who wants to go down to the pretty planet?" and, of course, I had to go and volunteer, but he just left us here to live and learn. Well, now I know, don't teach the elves, who you are suppose to teach, stuff that's important to you."

"Ah, Aulë," said Yavanna, "don't be so hard on yourself."

"Well, it isn't necessarily my fault. I mean Eru should have given us better instructions."

Namo looked up from were he was checking in his next resident for the Halls of Mandos and said in his regular low, calm, threatening voice.

"Don't question the ways of the One."

"No, I mean it," Aulë said eyes flashing, "he could have really. He could have said all your people are going to turn against you, so don't teach them anything that would do anyone any harm, but did he? No…you know why?"

"It was not part of his plan," Namo answered solemnly.

"I didn't want you to answer that!" Aulë snapped.

Namo raised an eyebrow.

"Maybe," began Aulë, looking skyward, "I wasn't cut out for this job. I wonder what the other Ainur are doing right now. The ones who didn't decide to come down to this infernal planet. I bet there having lots of fun floating around space, making other planets, fun stuff like that …"

"Maybe you should ask Eru for a transfer," Manwë suggested.

Yavanna glared at Manwë. Sometimes she wondered if he had a brain or gave any thought to the other people who surrounded the person he had decided to pity.

"Maybe," she said looking into Aulë's eyes, while trying to keep herself from exploding with anger, "you should take a nice little vacation."

Aulë shrugged.

"Perhaps," said Oremë, "you would like to try some hunting?"

"Or weaving?" suggested Vaire, "it can be very relaxing."

"Thanks, but no thanks," Aulë said with a tired shake of his head, "I am just going to take a bath and then try to get some sleep. Oh, and Lorien, if you give me another nightmare, I'll kill you."

Irmo looked a bit guilty.

"Valar cannot die," Namo said matter of factedly.

"Get a life," Aulë called over his shoulder.

'Another one, already?" Namo replied, looking down at his checklist, "today's been busy."

Aulë cringed but moved on. He was looking forward to a long relaxing bath, and he was not going to let anything spoil it. He stripped all his clothes off and studied himself in the mirror. He had never considered himself particularly vain, but he liked to make sure he looked well, like the greatest smith ever, but at the moment he decided he did not want to be Aulë-ish. He smiled and transformed himself into a young but muscular man…kind of like Tulkas…but darker and with a softer more innocent face. There, he thought, no one will recognize me now. He got into the tub and stretched out comfortably and closed his eyes.

"Hi, there, Aulë!"

Aulë's eyes flew open. Ulmo was kneeling in the tub in front of him.

"You are really scary," Aulë said.

"Why does everyone think that?" Ulmo lamented.

Aulë sighed.

"Well, where did you spring from?" he asked reaching for the soap.

"The faucet," Ulmo bubbled.

"Figures, how did you recognize me?"

"I am a Valar, I can sense things like that…besides you are in _your_ tub."

"Oh, right."

"So how have things been here?"

"All right, I guess, no more revolts."

"That's good."

"And how are things out there?"

"Not doing so well. I have been trying to advise your Noldor on what to do, but they won't listen."

"They never listen! I could have told you that. I did tell you that, but you never listen to me."

Ulmo woke up from his vision of saving the world.

"What? What were you saying?"

"Never mind. Thanks for the effort."

"Hey, no problem. I just like being able to help."

Ulmo flashed him a toothy grin.

"Right…well, could you please get out of my tub?"

"In a minute, I have something to ask you?"

"What?"

"Do you think humans prefer sea gulls or swans?"

"What? How should I know?"

"Well, you see there is some mortal who I have to, well, I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, but I was just wondering you know, well, which do you like better?"

"Swans."

"Why? Whatever for? Gulls are so much more sea like, and they make these wonderful…"

"Melancholy sounds, I know. I still prefer swans."

"I am going with gulls, if they don't work, I'll use your silly swan idea."

Ulmo huffed up the faucet and down through the pipes.

"How does he do that?" Aulë wondered. He climbed out of the tub, dried himself off, changed into a loose flowing robe and leggings and walked out into the night.

Tulkas charged right into him.

"Ow! Tulkas, why don't you ever look where you are going?"

Tulkas just laughed, which he had an annoying habit of doing.

"Hiya, Aulë, long time, no see!"

"We ate breakfast together this morning."

"Really? Cool."

Aulë shook his head. There was something permanently wrong with Tulkas's brain, he was sure of it.

"How have you been, Tulkas?"

"Okay, I guess. I just can't wait until we have another fight with that Melkor guy. I mean the last time was _so much fun_. Do you have any idea when I will get another shot at bashing his brain in?"

"No clue."

"Well, would you maybe, be so kind as to drop in a word with Manwë about it?"

"Sure, why not?"

"Thanks a million."

Tulkas patted him rather painfully on the shoulder and darted off.

"Why does he have to wear those weird metal things on his hands all the time," Aulë muttered to himself.

"Did he hurt you?" a voice asked from behind. He turned to see Este standing there all arrayed in silver grey blending in with the shadows and the moonlight, her black hair spilling from its bun, and her soft brown, almond shaped eyes filled with concern.

"Nah," Aulë answered rubbing his shoulder, "I am fine."

"You sure?" she asked.

"Uh, yeah."

"Let me see," she persisted in her I-am-a-healer-so-you-must-listen-to-me-tone.

Aulë sighed.

"It's really nothing," he mumbled as she examined the shoulder.

She dabbed a small amount of lotion onto his skin and slowly started rubbing it in. Aulë glanced nervously around him hoping that no one would notice that he was being babied. Just then three Valier came running up. Nessa was in front, which was no surprise, then Vana who was laughing uncontrollably, and lastly Yavanna, who was half running, half walking glancing about her so she could enjoy the beauty of the garden. Nessa stopped when she saw them and grinned rather cheekily pushing some of her long wild dark hair behind her ear.

"So what did you do?" she asked, "strain a muscle or something?"

"It's not funny," Este snapped, "he got hit by your husband."

"What?" Nessa said, her eyes widening, "whatever did you do to anger him, Aulë?"

"He was thanking me."

"Oh," Nessa giggled, "he is rather enthusiastic at times."

"I know."

"There," Este said, "does that feel better?"

"You could rub a little more right there," Aulë said, who was beginning to enjoy the massage.

"I can do that, Este," Yavanna said quickly, shooting her a jealous look. She was rather possessive of her husband as she was of most of her things, but since most things she loved died, it made sense.

Este shrugged and backed off. She knew better than to get on the bad side of Yavanna. That girl might just wrap her in vines or worse yet—go cry to Manwë about it!

Aulë sighed. He wondered after all the thousands of years they had been together Yavanna could still have these petty jealousies. He never made a fuss when some Vala paid attention to her.

"I have to go see, Manwë," he said.

"Why?" Yavanna asked, looking worried, "are you thinking, you can't actually be thinking of transferring."

"No," said Aulë, "not really, but I told Tulkas that I would talk to him about something so I may as well get over with it now."

"What about?" Vana asked, twisting a strand of gold hair between her fingers, her blue eyes alight with curiosity.

"War," Aulë muttered and stamped off.

There was a brief silence, then:

"We aren't really going to have another war?" Vana whimpered, "I mean the last one nearly destroyed Ea…"

"Don't worry, sis," Yavanna said, "Manwë is not that stupid. He wouldn't let all my precious and innocent animals and plants suffer for some disobedient elves, mortal men, and ugly dwarves…or would he?"

Yavanna looked thoughtful.

"Bloody hell, he would," she said after a moment, "Yeah, that sounds just like something he would do. I am going to go talk to that brute."

Vana felt even more distressed. She decided to consult Varda. After all she usually knew everything that was going on. She found her strangely enough near Mandos talking with Nienna.

"I'll just spy on them awhile," Vana thought and hid herself behind an over growth of blue roses. Nienna prided herself on her blue roses. She said that they looked as sad as she felt and had decided long ago that they would never be cut because she thought the snaky way they snarled up from the ground, perfectly reflected the turmoil and utter chaos of the world.

"What have you heard from Arda Marred?" Nienna asked through her tears, "do the Elves still lament their bitter fate, and are their hearts still hard and proud? Do Men fall before the sword as plentiful as the rain that falls from the heavens in rain season? Do they still do wickedness under the sky and slay each other needlessly? Do the dwarves…."

"Yes, Nienna," Varda said rather impatiently, "they still do all that."

"Ohhhhh," Nienna wailed, and she threw her head back and wept heavily, falling slowly to the ground, until Varda caught her.

"There, there, Nienna," she soothed, "it will be all right."

"No," Nienna said with a shake of her head, "it will not. Ever since of the beginning there has been strife, and ever since the Music of the Ainur, I have been sad. Will I ever be happy, Varda? Ever?"

"Well," said Varda, "maybe it would help if you didn't always get so involved with the misery of others…"

"That is my job," Nienna lamented.

"Well, you could choose to wear something less drab."

"What this…drab?" Nienna looked down at her dull grey robes, "I like grey, I really do."

"Well, then you can be happy about that right?"

"I guess so…but there is so much sorrow in the world…"

"I know, Nienna, I know."

Varda looked like she was not sure what to do. Vana decided this was the perfect break to make her entrance.

"Hello," she said walking out from behind the bushes.

"Oh, hi, Vana," Varda said gloomily.

"What's up?"

"Everyone's damned," Nienna said.

"Oh?" Vana said widening her eyes, "why's that?"

Nienna shook her head but did not answer.

Vana turned to Varda.

"Are we going to have another war soon?"

"Not till we get the signal from Ilúvatar."

"Oh, and what's that?"

"Sorry," Varda said, "that's classified."

"Well, then how do we know when to begin the attack?"

Varda shrugged.

"We'll just know."

"Another war?" Nienna said with a shake of her head, "I should really talk with Manwë more often, do you know when it will start? And whether there will be a more peaceful period after it? Oh, and can you tell these people to stop hurting themselves and each other and get them to listen this time?"

Varda shook her head.

"I make stars not miracles."

"What about a solar eclipse or a red moon?" Vana suggested, "that should grab their attention."

'For a little while, maybe," Varda mumbled.

Nienna scrutinized them both for a moment then got up and walked back to her post.

"If you do not mind," she said softly, "I have to get back to work."

With those words she promptly burst into tears.

(((())))(((())))(((())))(((())))(((())))(((())))(((())))(((())))(((())))(((())))(((())))(((())))(((())))

"Manwë?"

Manwë turned to see Aulë in the doorway. He had been playing a round of chess with Namo, which was rather frustrating, especially because Irmo was there cheering his brother on, which irritated them both.

"Namo, look! Look!" Irmo chirped, "You can capture his rook, see!"

Namo sighed and placed his hand to his forehead as if to indicate a headache coming on.

"Yes," he said sarcastically, "I really should make that move, so next turn Manwë can capture my queen."

"Good thinking," Irmo sulked, "you are so smart."

Namo sighed again.

"What is it, Aulë?" Manwë asked.

Aulë shrugged and leaned against the wall.

"It's Tulkas."

Namo raised and eyebrow, and Manwë coughed. Irmo looked as cheery as ever.

"What about Tulkas?" Irmo asked.

"He's bored."

"No," Manwë choked, "not again."

Namo shrugged.

"Well," said Aulë, "what do we do about it? You know what happened last time…"

"Yes," Manwë groaned, "who could forget."

"Well, then…"

"I have no idea."

"I could just put him to sleep for a few years," Irmo commented.

"Would you?" Manwë asked, perking up.

Irmo nodded.

"Sure thing, king."

Manwë sighed with relief.

"Thank goodness."

Namo looked a bit interested.

"Irmo," he said, "couldn't you just increase his desire for something here for a period?"

"What do you mean?" Irmo asked.

"Well," Namo said, "you are the Valar of desire."

"Yeah, but like what?"

"I don't know, his wife?"

"Nessa, would kill me! The last thing she'll want is for her husband to be hanging onto her twenty-four, seven."

Namo smirked.

"But it might be fun."

"How would you like it if I did the same thing with you and Vaire?"

"Now that _would_ be fun," Namo said, "do you know how boring it is to have a wife who weaves _all_ the _time?_"

"No," Irmo said with a shrug, "I don't. Me and Este are really close."

Manwë sighed.

"Do we have to discuss your love lives right now? We need to deal with Tulkas."

"Tulkas, what about Tulkas?" Oremë asked from the doorway.

"He's bored."

Oremë shook his head.

"Don't worry," he said, "I can deal with that. Anyone else up for a hunt?"

And it had to be then that Yavanna walked in.


End file.
